12. READY ANSWERS

I have this terrible habit, when I am accosted with an unexpected question or comment, to freeze a bit and say "um" before I say anything. It's not (just) indicative of a lack of words, it's a compulsion, and it irritates the hell out of me that I do it. That little pause, that little "ah," take all the punch out of my punchy answers! Sometimes I'll think of a witty reply after the fact, or think of the answer to a question someone else answered, and I'll say it to myself just waiting for someone to give me the right line so I can pop right out with my perfect response. Here, a brief list of answers to the questions I wanted to be asked recently:

"Nice preconceptions, honey." (And then, "and you look like a suburban rich kid panhandling for fun, but I didn't call you that, did I?")
"Dave Witte."
"There are at least 508 of us, so learn to goddamn count."
"Produced by Sank - he did a lot of the Killing Joke records."
"Because my teeth are smaller."
"Because you're completely superfluous."
"XLR to quarter-inch. We have one."
"No, that's not at all what I meant."
"Scotch and soda."
"Yeah, but it said 'no synths' on every record up until that one."
"Because I have band practice on Thursday nights."
"Your drummer."
"It's a long story which I am not going to tell you."
"No, but I'm trying to start."
"Brioche."
"You, asshole."
"No."
"Yes."